If you’re keeping score at home: Labour won Lewisham. But the winner in Lewisham North was a man who has to wear a special robe and sit on a throne. It’s like asking who won the costume contest at a Halloween party—the obvious answer is the guy dressed as a medieval judge, but the rest of the room is just aliens and cats.
In the broader sense, every voter in Lewisham won because they got a ridiculous story for their next pub quiz. The Tories lost? They don’t even field a candidate in Hoyle’s seat—it’s that hopeless. The Lib Dems? They spent their money on coffee and a sad sigh. The Greens came second in Lewisham East, which is like coming second in a race where the winner is a cargo ship. Slow clap.
So, the next time someone asks you who won the election in Lewisham, you can puff up your chest and say, “A man who owns a mace. And also Labour, but mostly the mace-wielding man.” It’s the most London answer you could give—equal parts baffling, hilarious, and completely true. Now go forth and mildly annoy your friends with this knowledge. You’re welcome.
