Step one: open Google Maps. Swipe around until you see a blue squiggle. That’s water. Step two: check if there’s a little yellow strip next to it. That’s sand. Step three: zoom in and see if there’s a pier, a snack shack, or a guy playing a ukulele.
If you’re in a landlocked place like Arizona or Montana, don’t panic. The closest beach might be a man-made lake. These are weird. They have sand imported from nowhere. But they work.
Pro tip: search for “beach” in your maps app. It will show you spots labeled as “Hidden Cove Beach” or “Sunset Point.” These are often just parking lots near a river. But the vibe is there.
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Inland beaches are comedy gold. There’s a beach in Oklahoma called “Little Sahara.” It’s a sand dune. No water. Just sand. So it’s technically a desert beach. Bring sunscreen and a sense of irony.
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In London, the closest “beach” is a canal dock with fake palm trees. Locals call it “Beach East.” It’s basically a sandpit next to a coffee shop. And people love it.
In Chicago, the closest beach is a man-made lakeshore called North Avenue Beach. It’s famous for its volleyball courts and the fact that the water is freezing 11 months of the year. But hey, it’s a beach.
