Believe it or not, people use machetes for sports. There’s a thing called “machete throwing,” which is exactly what it sounds like—you throw a big knife at a target and hope your foot isn’t in the way. It’s like darts, but with a much higher chance of calling an ambulance. If you ever meet someone who says they’re a “competitive machete thrower,” buy them a drink, but don’t stand next to them.
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Even weirder: some cooks use machetes for professional kitchen work. I’m not kidding. In some Caribbean and Latin American cultures, a machete is the go-to tool for crushing garlic, chopping large slabs of meat, or even cracking open a pineapple. It’s the most aggressive spatula you’ll ever see.
The “Really Bad Idea” List
Now, let’s get a few things straight. You should not use a machete to trim your eyebrows, open a stubborn jar of pickles, or settle a debate about who gets the last slice of pizza. I know it sounds funny, but people have tried. The machete has a way of making you feel like Rambo right before you accidentally chop a hole in your sofa.
Also, never, ever use it to cut a frozen turkey. That’s not a joke. The blade will shatter into three pieces and the turkey will laugh at you from the counter. I’ve seen it happen. The turkey won.
