Let’s meet our imaginary villain. This dealer isn’t a shadowy figure in a trench coat. He’s probably a guy named “Chuck” who wears cargo shorts and a faded baseball cap. His big ’90s flip phone? Still his go-to.
Chuck doesn’t use social media. He doesn’t have a Yelp page for his pills. But somehow, the DEA has a file on him. It’s a thick file, too. Not for selling drugs, but for parking tickets and a loud parrot that bothers the neighbors.
Here’s the funny part: the DEA probably knew Chuck existed. They just didn’t know he was the guy selling death pills to famous actresses. They thought he was just the guy selling bad vibes and expired sunscreen at the flea market.
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This whole scenario is deliciously dramatic. It’s like a TV show where the cops have the wrong guy on their whiteboard. They’re tracking a meth lord named “El Gato,” but Chuck the Cargo Shorts Guy is the real threat.
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Imagine the DEA agents at a desk. They’ve got a photo of Chuck eating a hot dog. Under it, it says: “Suspicious. Possible connection to celebrity overdoses.” Meanwhile, Chuck is just trying to find a parking spot for his rusty minivan.
It’s fun to think about the missed connections. The DEA has a tip line. Did anyone call in? “Yeah, my neighbor Chuck sells pills. He also leaves his trash cans out on Tuesday, which is Monday for pick-up. Unacceptable.”
