So here’s your cheat sheet: 11 pounds stuffed, 325°F, 4 to 4.5 hours, thermometer at 165°F everywhere, rest for 20 minutes. Ignore the timer on your phone—listen to the thermometer. And if you mess up? Order Chinese food and lie about the oven breaking. Seriously, your guests will laugh about it for years.
Now go forth, stuff that bird with reckless confidence, and remember: the turkey is just a vessel for gravy. You’ve got this.
